does it all HAVE to mean something?

i’m pretty sure i have posted about this before…in the past…i don’t know. but here it is, stumbling back into my brain like a drunk cousin that calls you for a place to sleep while they are “in town”.

courtesy of www.lindseyjohnsonphotography.com
courtesy of http://www.lindseyjohnsonphotography.com

it is odd, the feeling i get when i see kid art. something about kids painting pictures of their moms, their houses, their dogs, their unicorns…wait, what….their DREAMS…it always hits this innocent spot within me. it makes me remember the days i sat around and dreamed for no other reason other than to just dream. it felt good to believe the impossible, and seek out the unlikely. and when i see kid art, it reminds me that at some point in my life, i did things “just because”. i had absolutely no productive reason to do any of it, but i did it none the less. and it made me happy, even though there was no sellable product or result to come from it other than my mom telling me “good job” and my sister laughing at my polka-dotted horse that reminded her of something that had been shot…a bunch.

linds, it was POLKA-DOTS! that horse was beyond happy with its spots.

my husband is a big dreamer. he stops short when you ask him to do it out loud and on purpose, but that doesn’t matter. he LIVES it. i see him teach himself new tricks all the time — embracing the unknown and the lingering desire to just go and do. and i think, “man, i wish i were as unafraid and bold and in tune with my inner child”, but sadly, i am not.

but maybe i could be…

does it all HAVE to mean something? likely, the answer to this question is absolutely not. because if we allow ourselves to drift back to our childhood, maybe we can see that these gifts and creative impulses are to bring delight to God.

in those moments of letting loose, we find that those are some of the most treasured moments, moments that mean a great deal to our Father. He made us…and that doesn’t just include our thoughts and our actions and how we turned out as a responsible, involved adult…it means our creativity, our imagination, our dreams, our sense of humor. He made all of it. let loose, be ridiculous, draw a picture for no one, sing a song alone, make up a dance routine to a song in your kitchen (c’mon, you KNOW you used to do that when you were a kid…always a choreographer), tell a story that is complete fiction and fantasy and includes mermaids and giant sea people…do it, and you will feel all that stress and all that adult-ness wash away, if just for a moment. it doesn’t mean it won’t still be there, but maybe it will make it a little more manageable with a tiny laugh tucked safely away in your arsenal, helping you get through it with a smile.

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slow down…

this week i was browsing through pinterest, and i stumbled upon this photo:

photo courtesy of www.gingerunzueta.com/down-time-3/
photo courtesy of http://www.gingerunzueta.com/down-time-3/

i was enjoying all the photos from The Joy Project on Ginger Unzueta’s blog, but this one…i dont’ know. it stopped me in my tracks. it almost made me cry.

i remember that life. i remember days where all i had to think about was which blanket i would use and if my mom was going to make pizza for lunch or ham sandwiches. (side note: my mom always made meals such an event. it wasn’t just sandwiches, it was sandwiches cut in half placed nicely on a plate with a side of chips and a pickle and a glass of koolaid or tang over ice and a pretty napkin…looking back, i really loved those little touches. 😉 thanks mom!) i remember summers of being at the pool all day, then coming home to play outside with my sister, nap on the trampoline while reading a book, or sit and draw in my room. those days were spent in a different mindset.

now…yes…i know….things change when you grow up. of COURSE they change. but the opportunity is still there to just be ourselves in our space. i work a full time and a part time job. i understand what “busy” can mean. but i will take this moment to honestly acknowledge that i have time to spend on enjoying life that i am not taking hold of. we all do. and with that time, i want to remember the little things that make me happy. i want to sit on my porch and read a book, take a walk around my neighborhood, or ride my bike, bake some cookies, and sit in the office and draw. i spend way way WAY too much of my free time scrolling through facebook, watching terrible television programs (although i find television relaxing, i likely watch it too much), and here’s the big one…i spend a LOT of time WISHING i had the time to do other things….and that is where i am wasting. all the time i spend thinking i can’t, i COULD, i SHOULD, and from here on out, i’m making a goal that i WILL.

i like to be on social media. i am very inspired by the beautiful photos i see on instagram, and rejoice in reading about awesome things going on in the lives of my friends, but what about MY life? i just think it is time that i sat on the couch, worked with my hands, and listened to music again. and i know one day, i HOPE one day, i have little babies to tend to, and that will make this harder, so i want to take hold of it now! really, of every “now”, because

“Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone – as though we had never been here”—Psalm 103:15-16

i feel like in different areas of the bible, God wants us to take hold of the idea that life here is short, and He has given us so much to love and enjoy. i think it is time i enjoyed the gifts from God a bit more, and stopped letting myself sit in distraction and complaint.

a lesson for today…and everyday.

patience

patience…patience…patience. that is what God is calling out to me lately. learn to be patient. but why? why do I have to be patient? I have been thinking about this quite a bit today. what does it mean to be patient?

patient: bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.

so, why is this so difficult? and why is it so important that God talks to us about it in His Word?

I keep thinking about God’s timing. trusting Him, believing He has my plan and my story mapped out, and I just need to follow Him in order to obtain it. I also think about all the blessings that have come my way because I have not yet received that which I ask for. I see my husband and I continue to grow in love, learning each other better all the time. I see us growing financially. not only are we paying down old debts, but we are learning how not to create new ones. we are learning to be patient for the things we want in life. I see us both growing in maturity towards life and what life deals down to us. I see acceptance for things we cannot change. and I see our faith growing in leaps and bounds. there are so many positive things that have come from us being patient…waiting……and waiting on God, not just on ourselves.

but I’m not going to sugar coat it. it IS hard. I want to control…I want to fix…I want to manage…I want to plan. and I am planning, and I can only assume that that is appropriate. adam and I are being patient, waiting on a baby. we are waiting on our son or daughter to come meet us. however he/she arrives, we are being patient. and it is so so hard. I am overjoyed to see my friends get pregnant. I am blessed to watch their babies grow, and watch them work through the trials of being parents. I am being educated, and learning to have an open mind about what it means to be a parent. God is teaching me. He is helping me grow…in the midst of this patience. and most importantly, today, I realized He is teaching me to live in this time of waiting. we are so often looking towards the next thing. going to highschool, driving a car, graduating, going to college, starting a job, getting married, buying a home, having a baby, ….then the baby comes, and we beg for it all to slow down. so many moms I have spoken with have expressed the desire to make the next thing STOP coming so fast. “why can’t she be little forever”…”I’m not ready for him to go to school yet”…”they grow up so fast….i blinked and he became a man”.

how can we learn to live in this moment of our lives? God keeps us in waiting periods so often. we work towards moving into the next season, but sometimes it is out of our hands. and waiting on a baby has made that clearer than any other stage in my life. I feel in control when finding a new job, paying off my debts, getting married, etc. I feel like I have a huge hand in making those things happen or not happen. but a baby…a miracle…a gift of life inside my womb, or inside another woman’s womb to somehow find me? now that…..at that I am completely lost for words. I am putty in His hands, and begging for His plan. and I trust Him. I see friends who got pregnant unexpectedly, and they will tell you, “this baby saved my life”…”if I had not gotten pregnant, I don’t know where I would be today”. and it only makes me trust His timing more. He knows when the time is right. and I will surrender to that. in the meantime, I want to appreciate the time I have now…as me and my husband…as me alone.

be patient, amanda. be patient in paying off your debts. you will get there, it just takes time. be patient, amanda, in your weight loss endeavors. it takes time to lose weight, and you just have to stick with it. be patient, amanda, before buying a house. the timing is not right yet. be patient, amanda, for your child. They will come in the right time.

….and be thankful, amanda, while you wait. be content with what has been given to you, because so much has been given.

I am so so blessed. so blessed. and I want to focus on my blessings today and everyday. God may never give adam and I a baby. and if he does not, it is important that we don’t waste another day wishing for what we do not have, but rather recognizing what we do.

…..and I must remind myself of this…every day. it will not be easy, but it will help me grow.