identity.

I am regularly confronted with my lack of identity.  so much “chatter” blocks our way to think clearly about who we are in Christ.  sometimes who we want to be is the distraction.  at least for me.  I get pretty focused on all the “I’m going to start doing……” that I don’t just sit still and embrace who I am right now.

we can’t forget that we are a work in progress.  who we are RIGHT NOW is just as important as who we WILL be.  you can’t get to your new place if you don’t acknowledge the current state of your life, mind, dreams, attitudes, abilities, successes and shortcomings.  i’ll be honest….I haven’t figured out this dance.  I just now started even considering these things.

how do I get there?

how many aspirations are too many?

if you need to take things “one at a time”, where do you even start?

I know that right now in my life, I have 5 goals:

  1. To spend more time with God.  Everything rests on this.  If I can’t get this, then I can’t get anything.  (so I guess I know where to start….)
  2. To get healthy.  this is in several different areas.  I need to get back to eating better and exercising.  being a working mom is hard.  now, this is not an excuse, because I know plenty of moms who manage to do these things while working and having MORE than one child, but eating well (while I LOVE healthy food) is not my strong suit because I always wait until I’m too hungry and too tired to care…this needs to change and I realize only I can truly make it happen.  I over complicate this goal.
  3. To serve and give more.  I am actually taking steps on this one, though it terrifies me knowing how imperfect a person I am.  and let’s be honest, I can be pretty arrogant with thinking I know the way of things when deeply I know I don’t.
  4. To be a better wife.  These last two are the most important, but feel the most daunting.  I take photos with my sister for her wedding photography business.  one of the greatest perks to this (outside of getting to hang with my sis all day) is hearing people say their vows.  I am reminded (and discouraged) every time…reminded what it means to love, how exciting it is to love, and how far short I fall daily.  thinking goal number 1 will help me get to this one, because outside of that, there are days that it feels impossible to overcome my stubborn humanistic ways.
  5. To be a good mother.  now, I know that your husband is your first, but I guess loving my husband doesn’t feel as out of reach and confusing as parenting my beautiful daughter and loving her in the way God has called me to.  she is so, so, so easy to love…beautiful, smart, and full of awe.  there is an intense ache in my heart to love her better…always to love her better.  I want to be Jesus to her until she knows who Jesus is.  I want her to find Jesus early.  I want to cultivate an atmosphere of freedom and acceptance, while being sure I am raising her in discipline and truth.  there are so many things I want for her…I want her to feel safe and loved and joy and freedom and bravery.  and I realize everyday, as she says more sentences, as she learns to do more things, that I need God more than ever to raise her right.

While it is only 5 goals, these are lofty.  and they take diligence and perseverance.  sadly, my goal-oriented self has to compete with my lazy self.  it’s easy to feel inspired and keep things rolling 3 or 4 days, then all of a sudden I get bored of being systematic, or my rebellious nature comes out and I just quit.

i recently heard of a person who writes down every morning 3 goals for the day, 3 things he is thankful for and 3 attitudes he wants to practice throughout the day.  perhaps with morning prayer and focusing my thoughts on what i want for the day, i can accomplish healthy choices and will be filled with the holy spirit in my interactions with my spouse and my child.  and time with God is like drinking water…you need it, and the more you drink it, the more you crave it.

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