a christmas poem….

i never really “write”. i mean, i ramble and blabber on, but i am no poet or children’s book author. BUT….today i wrote a little poem for my office to let everyone know about a potluck coming up. it is a spin-off of “Twas the Night Before Christmas”. i took a couple words and maybe one direct line from the poem, but most of it is original thought. i’m actually pretty proud of it, so i am going to share it here. a quick note about some “inside” jokes….our office hangs a HUGE wreath every year that half the office loves and half of them despise. i hear all day, “i love that wreath” and “i hate that wreath”. so, that’s that part. also, clearly, you will see that i work at a law firm. Ginger is our office manager—i like to tell her she’s the momma of our workplace. ok….enjoy!

A poem.

Twas the month of December, and all through the office
All the creatures were stirring, including the ………uh……(dangit, I just started this and I already can’t get it right)……

……(ahem)………

It wasn’t a stocking that was hung but a giant wreath instead.
In hopes to delight half the office, and make the other half wish it were dead.

The attorneys were nestled all snug in their chairs,
While visions of settlement checks showed up in their prayers.
And Ginger recovering from Corporate Counsel, and I wrapped in decorations,
Had just given up on not drinking libations.

When somewhere in the kitchen arose such a clatter,
Tony sprang from his office to see if it mattered.
Away to the oven he flew like a flash,
Threw open the door hoping for bangers and mash.

The glaze on the foil of the baking ham below,
Made everyone’s mouths water, but Ginger said NO.
And to all the anxious eaters’ wondering eyes did appear,
Were mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie….. and ice cold beer?…..(ok, ok….holiday cheer…fine)

With a bunch of talented chef’s the meal came together so quick,
Everyone finally figured out that this wasn’t a trick.
More rapid than eagles the courses they came,
And we whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

Now turkey! now baked ham! now green bean casserole and cranberry sauce!
On sweet tea! on deviled eggs! on stuffing and gravy, leaving nothing to toss!
To the end of the line! pass the veggies and beasts!
Let’s make like the Who’s in Whoville and enjoy this great feast!

Dr. Seuss, you're art rocks.

Dr. Seuss, you’re art rocks.

Merry Christmas!

why i left facebook…

i could likely talk about this for days. because the longer i consider it, the more reasons there are to have left. i “deleted” my account today…which you have to go to a special site that you have to google to find. they will keep your page forever hidden away in their secret stash, but your photos, notes, etc. gets removed from their servers. tricky, tricky, tricky….now, let’s dive in.

my final profile picture

my final profile picture

Number One — Privacy Mush.
facebook is getting scary, ya’ll. all this stuff about social experiments and facebook messenger app is scary and weird. i think because my generation grew into the social media right as we became independently thinking young adults, we take for granted that all is safe. the internet is something that most of us still do not truly understand. and to know that there are sites that are storing all my PERSONAL information is weird. online banking is scary enough! i know we could talk about all the things on the internet that are “scary” and how this statement could possibly be construed as hypocritical if i’m going to keep instagram and whatnot, but i guess you have to start somewhere, right? and today, it’s facebook. i am not educated enough about all these types of things, and really, they aren’t the most important reason i am leaving, so that’s all i will say about that.

Number Two — Attitude? Check.
this is the big one. i heart facebook, to be quite honest. i love to look at all my friends pretty pictures, and be exposed to funny buzzfeeds and music. i love seeing my niece sing and my sister’s photography. i live in a bit of a bubble as it is, and facebook usually keeps me somewhat aware of what is going on in the world.

but there are some major pitfalls to this sort of exposure. while i am inspired, i also, in a most honest and transparent way, have to admit that i spend a lot of time subconciously comparing my life to other people’s. and i know this is a typical struggle, but i think that if i step back, i tend to experience more feelings of lack or regret than of joy and satisfaction.

on another note….it has become a total compulsion for me. if i get up in the morning with time to spare, i tend to spend time on facebook, checking in on everyone’s feed rather than making breakfast or going for a run. that is what i got up early for, but i end up getting “distracted” and letting my plans fall away. same with work. if i’m here and it is slow, then i will spend hours just scrolling. not necessarily posting, but just being a voyer. and that leads back to the feelings i mentioned above…feeling like i’m not doing enough with my life, that i’m not experiencing enough….

WHICH, brings me to my next thought. when i DO experience something amazing, beautiful, emotional, truly life changing, i can’t help myself from posting it. in fact, it’s almost like it wasn’t AS awesome unless i share it with the facebook world. but whatever happened to just sharing these things with the people closest to us? and i mean REALLY closest to us. the other night, my husband and i were having dinner, and he did something so silly and so funny…i laughed one of those deep belly laughs. you wanna know what my VERY FIRST THOUGHT was? “i should post this on facebook”. that’s a problem. an official problem.

Number Three — Are You There God? It’s me, Amanda.
this one is tricky to convey. this may not be the problem for many of you, but my relationship with God has been heavily directed by facebook. it has become my church. inspirational quotes, messages, songs that draw me to the Lord….aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that’s it….i let my own personal relationship sortof fall off, and i haven’t been to church regularly in ages. i have no community here near my home of fellow believers that i meet with on sundays in the flesh. because facebook has “sustained” me by providing some Godly encounters. but that can’t be all there is. in the morning, i could be studying my bible. at night, i could be praying. but i don’t. i get so drawn away. it’s just like any distraction, but this one sortof snuck up on me. i didn’t even realize how much TIME i was spending on social media. and how much time i could be spending on other things.

—————————————————————————————————

this is all personal preference. it’s all personal struggle and personal testimony. i am not trying to get everyone to leave facebook, and i’m not trying to tear down anyone who stays. in its humble beginnings, it was meant to be good. and it was for me. but now, now i have forgotten who i am living for. when i see something awesome, i forget that i used to be introspective and let it find root in me. now i just blurt it out on my wall and kindof forget about it. and there is something sacred about the relationship between husband and wife….we get to see sides of each other that we are honored to know, and maybe, just maybe it isn’t everyone else’s business. at least not the 200+ people i couldn’t bring myself to defriend on there. as we grow together and experience life together, and maybe one day get pregnant and have a family and grow old and experience disease and sadness, maybe we should keep those things close to the heart. and while some people can, i found that i had lost my ability to maintain some privacy in my life, my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences. i think it is time to get back to my roots a little bit.

my hope is that this blog might encourage someone who might be dealing with similar struggles. maybe i could help put into words something that you struggled to see clearly in your own thoughts.

…come fly with me….

comeflywithme

i really am not a huge fan of flying. i would rather be spread out in the back seat of a car with the feeling of tires on the pavement and my snack bag and blanket tucked beside me…not in a little seat that i just fit in with the elbows of my neighbors wing pointing at my boobs. i feel a little trapped. what if i get a wedgie? “sorry sir, my ‘allergies’ are causing me to need to clear my throat every 2 minutes…no, no…it’s not a nervous tic….it’s allergies” (followed by my best embarrassed and courteous smile).

i’m typically convinced i’m destined to be in that small percentage of people involved in a plane crash. (disclaimer: i am very sensitive to these tragedies, so please do not take the following rant to mean different) every time i land, i let out all the breath i had been holding for the preceeding 2 hours and think, “i made it! i didn’t die!”. but then i immediately regret my relief, convinced this very sense of security will surely be my downfall on the connecting flight i have in 45 minutes.

i’m quite superstitious when it comes to flying….if you couldn’t already tell. i always kiss my fingertips and touch the outside of the plane as i cross the threshold.

bieber

bieber one

so…imagine bieber touching the outside of the plane rather than showing his “i heart peace super cool fingers” to everyone….yeah, that’s what i do to the outside of the plane. weird. i know. …..i know. if you are my family reading this and thinking, “i haven’t seen that!” it’s because i am terribly embarrassed and don’t want you to know…or i’m super stealth, like catwoman. either way, i’m embracing this quirk before i regret it, as my paranoi has convinced me that this, too, is probably what will cause the aforementioned crash….as if i have jinxed us all with my “kiss of death”.

best seat on the row? i changed my mind 4 times during my flight to chicago at 6am last friday, which was a whopping one hour. i sat in the middle. which normally is the most feared seat. not one stranger, but TWO! i decided about 30 minutes in that the middle seat was actually best, but only if i am feeling brave enough, or rude enough (i can’t decide which), to not hunch a bit and just sit normal. people HAVE to make room for your shoulders…right? they know you have no where to go, so they tend to be accommodating. i had made my decision….middle is BEST! not worst. ….but the window seat is nice, right? you are in control of the shade and at least you can lay your head on something! (this jealously driven indecisiveness likely was because of it being 6am with a 6am sunrise in my eye for 10 minutes.) maybe window seat is best…..i found myself envying the woman with the aisle seat shortly thereafter. she can lean out as far as she wants! guilt free arm rest usage! ….i eventually came back to the decision of no decision.

i don’t like flying.

on my connecting flight, i got the middle seat again. thank you Southwest boarding group B. but again, i am a superstitious flyer, so i feel like everything is “meant to be”. i told the two girls that were seated in the aisle and window seat that they should have known they were doomed to get a third person based on the fact that they are both skinny. (yes, i actually said this to them.) my biggest fear is being asked if i want some comped drinks or some sort of credit if i would be willing to take a later flight because they overbooked, etc, etc, etc. NO! now which flight did God intend me to take!?! don’t give me OPTIONS!

luckily i have a God who can ease all of this for me.

“That is why i tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. they don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavely Father feeds them. and aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? can all your worries add a single moment to your life?” —Matthew 6:25-27

“And i am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” —Romans 8:38

“We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.” —Proverbs 16:9

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” —Psalm 90:12
(i really love that one)

God is good. no matter what the outcome may be. He is with me, when i’m afraid….so i have nothing to fear.

slow down…

this week i was browsing through pinterest, and i stumbled upon this photo:

i was enjoying all the photos from The Joy Project on Ginger Unzueta’s blog, but this one…i dont’ know. it stopped me in my tracks. it almost made me cry.

i remember that life. i remember days where all i had to think about was which blanket i would use and if my mom was going to make pizza for lunch or ham sandwiches. (side note: my mom always made meals such an event. it wasn’t just sandwiches, it was sandwiches cut in half placed nicely on a plate with a side of chips and a pickle and a glass of koolaid or tang over ice and a pretty napkin…looking back, i really loved those little touches. ;) thanks mom!) i remember summers of being at the pool all day, then coming home to play outside with my sister, nap on the trampoline while reading a book, or sit and draw in my room. those days were spent in a different mindset.

now…yes…i know….things change when you grow up. of COURSE they change. but the opportunity is still there to just be ourselves in our space. i work a full time and a part time job. i understand what “busy” can mean. but i will take this moment to honestly acknowledge that i have time to spend on enjoying life that i am not taking hold of. we all do. and with that time, i want to remember the little things that make me happy. i want to sit on my porch and read a book, take a walk around my neighborhood, or ride my bike, bake some cookies, and sit in the office and draw. i spend way way WAY too much of my free time scrolling through facebook, watching terrible television programs (although i find television relaxing, i likely watch it too much), and here’s the big one…i spend a LOT of time WISHING i had the time to do other things….and that is where i am wasting. all the time i spend thinking i can’t, i COULD, i SHOULD, and from here on out, i’m making a goal that i WILL.

i like to be on social media. i am very inspired by the beautiful photos i see on instagram, and rejoice in reading about awesome things going on in the lives of my friends, but what about MY life? i just think it is time that i sat on the couch, worked with my hands, and listened to music again. and i know one day, i HOPE one day, i have little babies to tend to, and that will make this harder, so i want to take hold of it now! really, of every “now”, because

“Our days on earth are like grass; like wildflowers, we bloom and die. The wind blows, and we are gone – as though we had never been here”—Psalm 103:15-16

i feel like in different areas of the bible, God wants us to take hold of the idea that life here is short, and He has given us so much to love and enjoy. i think it is time i enjoyed the gifts from God a bit more, and stopped letting myself sit in distraction and complaint.

hope spoken….hope heard

where do i begin…i mean, seriously. where? i can feel my throat get tight and my eyes get hot just thinking about this past weekend. when my sister called me one night last october, and asked if i wanted to go to this conference with her in dallas, i thought…..”um…….sure?”. she gave me no time to decide, which honestly helped me. so i jumped in, bought my ticket to Hope Spoken, and put it out of my mind. as the day approached for us to go, i started to get nervous…no longer sure i wanted to.

see, at the conference, i heard Jami Nato speak, with great confidence and humor i might add, and when i read her blog, she said it best…”hey, remember how i’m an introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert?”…this is totally me. my husband swears that i am not, but i’m like Jami…i’m the introvert that when i get in a space to speak i come out like i’m a total extrovert, but really i just want to duck into the little invisible brown box sitting beside me so that no one notices me. the outspoken behavior only happens in smaller groups. but i thought about the 250 women due to be at this conference, and how i would have to MEET some, and SIT with people i didn’t know! and i’m supposed to TALK to these people!?! my sister, lindsey, our friend alissa and i were laughing so much on the should-have-been-11-but-became-14-hour-road-trip, because alissa and i were trying to explain to my sister what it is like to be an introvert. i’m the awkward girl that shoves my hand IN people’s hands, really not giving them an option, because i have to get through that hump. “HI. I’M AMANDA.” (said with great force and in business voice)….

ok, so all of that to say, i started to question if i should be going. thinking about all the times i have ended up hiding in my car during a party…all the times i have run to the bathroom during “meet and greet” at a church service…all the times i felt myself wanting to melt into the wall while i wait on a far more extroverted friend to finish up her 4 million conversations with her 10 new bff’s at a music venue (big breath)…trying to figure out how i can hide or look distracted to pass the time. a conference where i am forced to meet new people? hmmm….maybe not my best impulse decision. but God knew….

i could go on and on and on about the conference…how beautiful everything was, how awesome the vibe was, the worship, the speakers. but what i want to say is that God came out in a way i fully did NOT expect. i thought, “yeah, this conference will be super feel-good, all about the hope we have in Jesus and how good he is, etc. etc.”, but these women…they gave their testimonies, and they were h-e-a-v-y. the women that i heard speak talked of broken hearts, loss, fear, and the feeling of utter hopeLESSness. not what i was expecting. but my faith was so challenged. one woman spoke of losing a child at only 11 months. “i could trust God in the cancer, the chemo, the surgeries…but could i trust God in her death?” that sentence will resonate with me. i think we forget that God comes through in ways that don’t always look like the picture in our minds. i thought to myself…do i really REALLY trust God? i mean, have i even thought about what that looks like? the first picture i see is trusting God in the semi-rough, but that, of course, he will come through….right? ……right? but what if he ‘doesn’t’? then what? is he still God? is he still my Lord? do i still serve him? what does it look like to serve him in the storms?

phew.

over the past couple months, i have been asking God to show me my purpose. if you have read my story about patience, then you know adam and i have been trying to have a baby. i recently sat with a friend and cried over feeling like i don’t know what i’m doing, or what i’m supposed to be doing. she said, “i think when you become a mom, you are just going to KNOW!”….but what about now? because all i have is now. i pray pray pray that i will be a mother, but God is holding that back from me for now….so why? one night i called out this question to him…”God, what am i supposed to be doing? what is your purpose for my life?”. his response? “to be my child”. how difficult and how liberating that answer is.

and he really drove it home at the conference. we talked about just listening…being in his presence…seeking him ABOVE all the other things….making him the thing we desire FIRST, before desiring anything else. i want this desire to be pure. i don’t want it to be something i say i desire, when in the back of my head i am still thinking “if i just desire him, then he will give me this thing i want”…

….because what if he never does?

will he still be enough for me? will i be satisfied.

PHEW!

God and i have a long way to go. but this was a start. and i am so so so so 100-times-so thankful for the women i met, for not melting into the walls, or running to the bathroom, for the conversations that occurred, then reoccurred, then re-reoccurred, for the small group of women i truly believe i will keep in touch with and grow closer to, for the raw emotions expressed by the brave speakers, for women who aren’t afraid to admit that their faith scares them sometimes, that they are stumbling, but always getting back up and turning their eyes towards the heavens…that we can all do this together, from different states, but from the same heart. that God has given me community.

hope spoken? hope heard.

hope spoken welcome board

#alindaontheroad

treats galore

swag bag!

swag bag!

my forever community

my forever community

the quest for health…

happy 2014! it’s a new year, and a new opportunity to improve. i know there are several schools of thought on New Year’s Resolutions. some people think they are necessary, some people think they are a setup for failure. some people think you should have them, just not call them resolutions, rather goals. but really, aren’t they the same thing? resolutions ARE goals, just ones wearing a happy new year cape.

so….this year, i have made some goals. and i am a person who feels like chances are fresh at “the beginning” of something. the beginning of the day, the beginning of the week, the beginning of the year. every beginning is to be noted in my world. and this, being the beginning MONTH of 2014 (not the day…i got hung up on the whole “i’m starting this on January 1″ thing in the past, and when January 12 came along i felt as though i had failed and would give up) i have some newly set goals for my life that i’d like to give a try.

1) BE HEALTHIER.
not lose weight, because i’ve been trying to keep that resolution for 10 years now, and it seems to not be working. and there is all sorts of psychology to that. so this year, the goal is not to make a subtraction, but to make an addition. so, i will be ADDING healthier food choices to my diet. with that said, i would like to unveil to you an amazing tea i found at Teavana. White Chocolate Peppermint Rooibos Tea. it has zero calories, and reminds me of a chocolate drink. just smelling it is potentially enough to curb my sugar cravings for a bit. now, rooibos tea is a little weird. something about it is medicine-y for the first several sips. but it grows on you. and it helps me not go downstairs to starbucks and order a double tall white mocha…yes with whip cream please.

white chocolate peppermint tea

2) BE MORE ACTIVE.
ANOTHER addition! so, here’s the deal. i’m always saying i want to work out more. and honestly, i do. it isn’t hard to work out once i get myself to the gym or run once i’m outside in the cold with all my bundles on and my awesome new running pants,(thanks husbuddy) but it IS hard to get myself there…to reach the starting point. why? i don’t know. and i’m not sure i will ever figure it out. i like the way i feel AFTER i work out, and sometimes, ….sometimes…the way i feel WHILE i am working out. they always say to choose an activity that doesn’t make you miserable. ladies and gents, after several years of searching, i finally found something that isn’t horrible to me. yes, i will become a yogi, not only for the physical benefits, but for the spiritual. i like the connection, and i like that i’m in a room full of people that want to be more peaceful in life. game on. i also finally figured out how to run and not hate it. …even like it. the key? slow slow slow slow building up. the first time i went out to run, they told me to run till i felt like stopping. that was a whopping 4 minutes and 28 seconds. but now i am running COMFORTABLY for about 30 minutes. time. slow. listen to my body. and now i can be one of those people that goes out and runs a mile and enjoys myself. WIN!

3) BE MORE LOVING. MORE JESUS.
i love the “fruits of the spirit”, and i want more of that in my life. i NEED more of that in my life. like….now…..and last month….and in 6 years. i just need it. so, this year, i will ADD these values to my life, to my world.
Galatians 5:22-23
these are the fruits of the spirit…..
love: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
joy: to be glad; rejoice
peace: a state of mutual harmony between people; to end hostilities and abstain from further fighting
patience: an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance; quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care
kindness: the state or quality of being of a good or benevolent nature
goodness: excellence of quality; the best part of anything
faithfulness: true to one’s word; reliable, trusted, or believed
gentleness: gradual; mild; moderate; not severe
self-control: control or restraint of oneself, actions, and feelings

***the biggest “fruit of the spirit” for me is gentleness. and i have been desperate to grasp that. all in all, i need to have more of the Holy Spirit in my life. it makes me a better, more loving, effective person in my life. it makes my relationships better, it keeps my heart open. this is a major addition to my life.

4) A BABY.
Now, this one is a bit out of my hands, so to speak, but all my other goals will support this one. the addition of healthier choices to my diet and lifestyle can only prepare me better for this journey. and the addition of more peace, more spirit, more gentleness, more love, more goodness, more kindness, more patience (and so on) can only prepare me better to be a mother, as i know how difficult that can be.

so, here’s to “resolutions”, as i hope my goals will always be dressed to impress me with their dedication to success. wear your 2014 cape with pride.